Embracing Pleasure: More than a Privilege

In my practice as a sex therapist and counselor; I spend a great deal of time talking with clients about the idea of pleasure. Defining it, identifying aspects of it in their lives, and figuring out ways to enhance/build upon it. So many of us tend to go through life viewing pleasure as a right to be earned. Something that we can allow ourselves to have only after we have been productive enough, helpful enough, or successful enough to deserve it. As if somehow, pleasure is a privilege only granted to the lucky few. An important part of my work is collaborating with folks around learning to allow space for and give permission to pursue pleasure in everyday life. AKA developing their own pleasure practices as they have been referred to by many of my fellow mental and sexual health and wellness pros. 

Pleasure is described (by dictionary.com) as “a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.” Or “the state or feeling of being pleased. Enjoyment or satisfaction derived from what is to one’s liking; gratification; delight.” While this definition works, I have learned to understand the pleasure umbrella as “anything that feels good to your body, mind, or soul.” This could encompass literally anything from lighting your favorite candle in the evening, to having daily check-in conversations with a close friend, to of course, sexual play and intimacy. Integration of pleasure practices in our daily lives can start very simply. Consider what is readily accessible to you, without much of an investment lift in time/energy/money. What small intentions can you set? What adjustments can you make to your routines to invite pleasure experiences in? 

For many people, orienting toward pleasure—rubs up against their personal character values. They may think to themselves, “I want to be a person who is kind, thoughtful, generous, selfless, etc. And I can’t be those things while also seeking pleasure for myself.” An understandable struggle. Focusing on what feels good for you after all, inherently means that you must consider and value yourself, your own needs, and desires. It’s so easy to feel like these values and experiences cannot coexist. 

Cue the importance of developing a nuanced mindset. Caring about and doing what is good for others can be very important to you, while also wanting to prioritize finding and experiencing your own joy. One does not have to override the other. (Although it can create a very uncomfortable cognitive dissonance experience to be worked through.) Part of accepting the messiness of being human, is acknowledging that we are all capable of experiencing many complex feelings, thoughts, and desires simultaneously. If we can accept that radical truth, we make space for self-acceptance to replace self judgement and criticism.