Let’s face it, change can be terrifying. Even debilitating at times. Shout out to all my fellow anxious folks that know intimately just how true this can be. Those who have spent hours, days, and weeks, imagining and planning for all the possible scenarios (usually hyper focusing on worst-case). All in an effort to prevent that horrific feeling of being caught off guard and unprepared by something unknown. And while this can be a very helpful process when planning and assessing before making big decisions; it can also get out of control and keep us from making important and necessary transitions in our lives.
I want to invite you, just for a moment to reflect back on a time that you were thinking of making a major change. What happens inside of you when you contemplate letting go of something (be it person, place, thing, or experience); that you have come to love, cherish, value and/or depend on? It can be gut wrenching to think about. Even if letting going doesn’t mean losing someone or something entirely; but shifting into a new version of that experience or relationship. It’s uncharted waters. Unknown territory. And very often, it’s uncomfortable as hell to even consider. Which is where for many of us we feel frozen, stuck, and unable to move forward.
Even when we have made decisions to do the hard/scary thing, we may get caught in the pre-grieving space long before it has actually happened. Effectively losing out on real opportunities to enjoy being present in the here and now. Of course, it makes complete sense that we would try to avoid, dismiss, or even reject the difficult feelings that can accompany making a change. Resisting the reality of our struggle; however, only actually serves to intensify and prolong the experience itself.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a highly utilized therapeutic approach that focuses on the importance of accepting (rather than trying to avoid or change) our difficult inner experiences. And committing to more value-based living, even as we experience these challenges. I love this model so much because it encourages us to create space (without judgement) for all of our emotive experiences. Not just the fun ones. Which in turn, allows us to move through and process them more efficiently.
Allowing ourselves to be sad, angry, afraid, conflicted, etc. about determining when/where/how change might be necessary in our lives; is a hugely important part of the process of growth. Letting go of the idea that we can grow without facing discomfort is a solid place to start. Often with my clients, a significant amount of time is spent creating space for grief around change. And normalizing, validating, and affirming the reality that even though it can be overwhelmingly hard; it is inevitable. But more than that, it also allows us to build self-compassion for our difficult experiences, tolerance for distress that comes with it, and ultimately resilience for having navigated through and made it to the other side.
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